| ARCHIVE: Autumn 2007
Premier Edition
Welcome to the premier edition of Encore Bride Magazine. Encore Bride Magazine was developed as I was planning my own encore wedding and discovering how little information exists for re-wedding brides. Encore brides are an often-overlooked segment of the wedding industry. If statistics are accurate—with 1 out of 2 marriages ending in divorce—we are a large segment of the wedding market. My hope is that Encore Bride Magazine will help those planning their second (or more) wedding to navigate the process of re-wedding. We will explore issues that are specifically related to encore brides such as stepfamilies, ceremony and reception ideas, gown-shopping, and those messy etiquette-related dilemmas. We'll also take a look at some issues that are relevant to any bride. Encore Bride Magazine is about you, our readers. We invite (encourage) you to send your suggestions, comments and questions to us. With over 20 years experience as a counselor, plus the experience of being a stepparent and an encore bride, I will be looking at your questions and suggestions from both a personal and professional perspective. Thank you for reading this edition of Encore Bride Magazine. We hope you have found something helpful in it for your planning. Please share this site with family and friends. Oh yes, and congratulations! Gifts: Thanks or No Thanks? by Susan Polyot The "gifts issue" can be difficult for encore brides. It comes down to this: What do you do about receiving gifts from wedding guests? Do you go through the registry process, do you tell people you want to forgo gifts altogether, or do you sidestep the issue, do nothing at all, and get what you get? The answer depends largely on your personal situation. Some encore brides are well equipped with household items. They've already got their silver and china, and are established in their home. Others, by contrast, have left their previous marriage with very little and are literally starting over. In some cases, the groom, or his family, may want to participate in a traditional registry, particularly if he has not been married previously. You've got to start by assessing your situation, and decide accordingly, keeping in mind that registries are designed to help new couples establish their home. If your friends and family bought you a fine china service for eight two years ago when you got married, you may want to pass up the traditional registry now. Manners and good taste trump all. If you don't need to establish a home, then don't register. But, if you want your guests to know which items you and your groom are going to need as you merge households, registering can be a very good idea. Since you re not just starting out, you likely have some basics. Perhaps you don't need another toaster or blender, but you could use some cookware. That's where registering comes in handy. But if you decide to register, it is never in good form to include this information with your invitation, despite what the registry service told you. It is becoming quite popular for larger department stores to "assist" you by providing registration announcements as an invitation insert. This is to help you get things you need, they say. It is to boost their sales, I say. A wedding invitation should never be a plea for gifts. It is an invitation to share in your celebration. Tradition has made weddings gift giving occasions, but consider how tacky it is to suggest that a gift is necessary when you extend the invitation. As in any wedding, friends and family should be the ones to answer the question of where are you registered. Regardless of your decision on gift handling, don't let being an encore bride trample proper etiquette. For a number of reasons, an encore bride may decide she prefers to have no wedding gifts. She may feel awkward about having guests bring gifts to an encore wedding, or she may be well established enough in her own home that the presence of friends and family is gift enough. Again, any mention of gifts in your invitations, either for or against, is not in keeping with etiquette. Instead, you can spread the word by voicing your preference through family and close friends. But if a gift is presented at the reception, accept it graciously…and remember to write a prompt and gracious thank you note. One exception to this rule, I believe, is the wedding that is a small gathering exclusively attended by close friends and immediate family. In that case—and I know I'm bucking convention here—you could exercise a little more informality and clearly state your preference for no gifts if you so choose. In all events, it remains important to not have it seem that the occasion is really about the gifts. The Honeymoon: Just You, Me, and the Kids by Susan Polyot A honeymoon is the symbol of the bride and groom beginning their new life together as a couple. By tradition, it's an intimate, romantic getaway; a special time to be shared by two people. But, for encore couples, honeymoon plans can be a challenge if children are involved in your new marriage. Is it strictly taboo for the children to go on your honeymoon? No, not necessarily, if you follow a few basic guidelines, do some research, and take everyone's interests into consideration as you make your plans. If you are viewing your marriage as the blending and celebration of a new family configuration, you may have already decided that you wouldn't dream of starting your new life without the kids. Or perhaps, it's more of a practical matter. There may be no one to care for the children while the two of you run off to an exotic location. Whatever the reason, if you decide to bring the children, it is important to consider them as you and your fiancé make decisions about your honeymoon destination. Many resorts offer programs for children that will keep them busy during the day, leaving some "alone time" for you and your new spouse. These programs may be available on a full or half day basis. There is usually a cost involved, even at some all inclusive resorts, so make sure you are fully aware of all costs up front, and learn about the specific activities that will be offered. Check into those details before you firm up your plans. Also, check in with the kids. Make sure the plans include things your children will be interested in. Larger resorts may have evening babysitting services available, provided by trained babysitters. Often, the babysitter is not an adult, but may be an older adolescent who has been screened by the hotel. Ask ahead of time what training and screening has been provided. This service is useful if your children are too young to be left alone but the two of you want to plan a romantic dinner at the hotel restaurant and will be on site. It is critical that the two of you plan some time alone, and make sure your children are aware of this ahead of time. This is important, not just for the two of you, but for your children as well. They need to recognize the two of you are a couple, not just parents. Your relationship with each other needs to be primary, and the two of you need to role model that for your children. Without this, once the honeymoon is over, step parenting will be a much harder task if your kids see a weak link in the two of you, and haven't been taught to view you as a couple. And so...What about sex? Whether the children are sharing a room with you, sharing a suite, or in an adjoining room, if you and your fiancé discuss and plan this now, you may avoid frustration later. Take advantage of those daytime programs for children, and plan accordingly! Arrange for a babysitter from the hotel to watch the children at the pool, or some other activity. You can let the kids know you are going to be having private time without going into details. Kids don't have to be a deterrent to an active honeymoon! Groom's Column Stage Fright by Larry Tyler It's easier to play Hamlet--so the saying goes--than play a bit role. Sure, you've got all those lines to memorize when you're the Prince of Denmark, and everyone is staring at you in those funny tights for two hours, but mistakes can be forgiven if you muff a line here or there. You'll have time to make up for it later in Act III. It's different though when you have one and only one line in the play. There's no second chance when you have one line and blow it. Knowing this as you step onstage--the stakes being a lifetime of derision and humiliation--the pressure on you is cranked up to the max and condensed into one brief, intense, concentrated moment. Anything short of perfection is disaster. Which brings me to the topic of the wedding ceremony. It is widely accepted that the groom is a bit player in the wedding ritual, a minor character from planning to execution. Most grooms accept that; accept it in fact with pleasure, figuring they can keep well out of harm’s way by staying out of the loop. But in taking on the role of a bit player, you also inherit the pressure of that role. Coming off the bench cold (if I may mix a metaphor) you step forward, open your mouth to speak, and while all eyes are on you, make one little slip like, "For bitter or worse", "…till debt do us part", or "…awful wedded wife" and your gaff lives on forever, preserved by video, and shared at every subsequent social gathering. You had one line and you blew it. The solution to this dilemma is involvement. You can take on a bigger role in your own wedding just by showing interest in the process. No, you don’t really care whether daisies or mums are on the table beside the guest book, but you can listen to the debate anyway. Voice an opinion. Ask questions. Learn why one idea is a good one and another is a bad one. Start padding your role. For some of you, this will come easy. You not only see how it might take some pressure off you when the wedding day arrives, but you also actually enjoy taking part in the planning. For others, this could be a substantial challenge. But that's why I'm here: to help you out with this. So sit up and pay attention. This is an article especially for you. Do conversations about the wedding leave you cold? All those questions about who to invite, which invitations to send, how to decorate the hall, and where people should sit; do these things make your head spin? If so, here's my advice to you. Dive into the discussions anyway. Don't worry, you can do it. Mastering these topics is mostly a matter of learning a new way of talking. Think of it as a foreign language. You only need to learn a few phrases, but memorize them well. Here's an example for you. Your bride-to-be asks you whether you prefer apricot or pear chutney with the crackers. Of course, all you care about is whether they'll have those little hotdogs at the reception. You look blankly at her, shrug, and mumble, "Uh, iduncare." Right? Wrong! Anytime you are tempted to shrug, you should resist the urge and say these words: "Well now, you have posed a very interesting conundrum here. I see several viable options, but I suggest we get some outside opinions before we commit ourselves to a decision." When you begin to wear that phrase out, you can switch to this: "Perhaps we should do some further research on this so we can ascertain the recommendations of experts." (Be sure to pronounce ascertain, "asserTAYN". Otherwise it sounds like you're complaining of lower back problems.) Replace "I don't know" with "Let's talk about it." Get rid of "Don't matter none to me" and start using "I haven't thought about that yet." One of the payoffs to this—and there will be other payoffs on down the road, plenty of them—is that the wedding vows won't be one of those intense high- pressure walk-on part situations we were just talking about. In fact, the wedding itself will be the introduction to an "us relationship" if you take the time and effort to participate. And, in case you've forgotten, that's exactly what you're investing in when you get married: an "us relationship". So, go on, get off the couch and start asking some questions. Get involved. Form some opinions. There's no time to get involved in the relationship like the present. |
| Encore Bride Magazine Thoughts, Reflections, Suggestions, & Opinions for re-wedding brides |