ARCHIVE: Summer 2007 Edition
Summer 2007 Edition
This edition of Encore Bride is all about planning a great encore wedding on a budget. Encore brides do not always have the resources, finances, or time to plan an elaborate wedding. Many feel they have had a large first wedding and do not want to opt for the same when they become an encore bride. They do not want to burden family and friends with the expense of attending another wedding with them as the star. And sometimes, it's simple practicality that dictates how much a couple can spend. Parents may have shared the expense the first time, but now you are on your own. Whatever the reason for minding the budget, it does not mean settling for a day that is less than perfect. There are many ways to have a beautiful encore wedding without the expense that often accompanies a formal first time event. Can "Honeymoon" and "Budget" Go Together? by Susan Polyot Yes! Your honeymoon is about time away for the two of you. It's a chance to pause and reflect on your new beginning. And that time doesn't have to be elaborate or expensive. A honeymoon for an encore bride can be different than for first time brides. In addition to budget concerns, children and time constraints are often considerations. We have discussed in a previous issue taking kids on the honeymoon (yes, it can be done, see archives), so we will reserve this discussion for budget issues. A recent article I read stated that the average cost of a honeymoon is $3,000 -$5,000. But there are many options for $1,000 or less. If you have time restrictions, consider a Bed and Breakfast Inn within driving distance. Some B & B's offer a honeymoon package with an upgraded room, as well as welcome treats such as a bottle of champagne. Many B&B's have shared baths, so ask. A honeymoon is a good reason to splurge on a private bath option. A luxurious inn can be a fabulous treat for a honeymoon, something you wouldn't ordinarily do. Prices can range from under $100 to just about any price per night, depending on when and where you go. Staying 3 days at a great B& B makes a nice honeymoon for under $1,000, including a nice dinner at a local restaurant. These are generally not places to take the kids, but for a short stay for the two of you, perfect. Often located in scenic spots such as oceanside or mountainside, they can also be very romantic. Find a list of B&B's through your travel agent or online through your state's tourism office. Summer wedding? How about renting a lake front camp? Rentals can often be a cost effective option to a resort, and are frequently available by the week, again, well under the cost of an average honeymoon. You will likely have to stock the cabitnets with your own groceries, and sometimes linens, but the savings are often significant. A private lake front home for your honeymoon can also be a great family vacation if you have children with you. For rentals, check lake associations, local realtors, or the local tourism office. Be specific about what you are looking for, the number of bedrooms want, indoor bath or not, and the amenities you want included. You wouldn't want a honeymoon with the kids, only to find out "sleeps 6" means altogether in a loft. Remember, it is a honeymoon. If you want a resort style honeymoon, significant savings can be found by traveling off-season, or by scouting for last minute fares. This requires some flexibility in time and destination, but can be worth significant savings. Check out budgettravelonline.com for ideas on the best travel savings each month, or consult your travel agent. How about registering for your honeymoon? Encore brides generally don't need traditional wedding registry gifts. A honeymoon registry can be established through many travel agencies, or directly through the place you will be staying. You pick the place, secure the basic reservation, and guests then choose the extras: spa package for the two of you, dinner gift certificates, champagne delivered to the room, whatever amenities you have registered for. There are also registries that allow guests to contribute toward the actual price of the honeymoon. As with any registry, do not direct your guests to the registry, let them ask. Your honeymoon is an important part of your encore wedding plan. Whether you can spare just 1 night or 3 weeks, take time to honor your new marriage and your new spouse by taking time for the two of you. You can plan a wonderful, romantic time without breaking the bank. Step Parents Need to Ask: Who Pays for the Kids? by Susan Polyot In keeping with our budget theme this edition, our step- parenting topic is: Who Pays for the Kids?—an issue that confronts many encore families. Answers vary, but the key to success is in the process of making a decision more than the decision itself. Couples who talk ahead of time about how finances will be handled—and specifically who pays for what with children—will avoid misunderstandings, resentment and anger. Be honest with your feelings. There is no right or wrong way to feel about paying for someone else’s children. You may feel you aren’t financially responsible; that it is a responsibility of your stepchild's birth parents to share expenses for their children. Or you may believe family income should be evenly spent on everyone, including the stepchildren. Some of this largely depends on your living situation, and whether or not the children live primarily with you. It also depends on whether both of you or only one of you have children. In my own situation, my stepson lived with his father and me for a large part of his school age years. Our family finances were combined, and we made no distinction between what I paid for and what his father paid for. We felt that our family was best served by having joint finances in that regard. We did not receive child support from his mother (a decision all parties had agreed upon) and there were no other children involved; all of which are factors in making a decision about money matters. Because we talked about this before my stepson arrived, we eliminated fears of conflict and resentment about this subject. While each family situation is different, there are some common denominators for all blended family situations. If you are choosing to marry someone with children, with that comes expenses. There are always unplanned expenses, such as school activities, mall outings, movies, etc., and to think that your income will not directly or indirectly be impacted by those things is unrealistic. Many arguments and resentments that surface in marriage are tied to unrealistic expectations. Money can be the root of many of those conflicts so talking about how family finances will be handled can ease future conflicts. Whatever decisions you make, make as many as you can before you become a stepparent so your transition into a new family situation will be as smooth as possible. Some factors to consider: • Where do the children spend the majority of their time? • Do you receive or pay child support? • Do you both have children, or just one of you? • Do you plan to have more children together? (In this case, finances should be as equitable as possible with all children to avoid future conflicts). • Have you discussed both day-to-day finances as well as special occasion finances, such as vacations, college, or other non-routine expenses? Remember that talking about these issues ahead of time avoids a lot of potential conflict later. If you are already married and struggling to sort this out, step back as a couple and review the expectations that you both brought into the marriage. Because people can have strong, possessive feelings about money—especially in encore marriages—you should try to keep emotion out of your discussion so you can be less defensive and can keep in mind that your discussion is about financial decisions, not a personal statement about the children. And one other thing: Keep your discussions away from the children. You need to be honest with each other about your feelings and opinions. Children do not need to know if there are disagreements about money issues, especially if it relates to them. Becoming a stepparent can be a rewarding and fulfilling undertaking, but sharing your clear expectations to each other is vital. Congratulations, and enjoy your new role! Groom's Column Budget Fuss by Larry Tyler Budgets are like fingerprints: no two are alike. Everyone has different income levels, and different expenses. Everyone has different tastes and priorities. But the main reason budgets are unique is that budgets are never governed by logic and common sense. Whenever we have any amount of money our rules for spending it are based on a formula that is both intricate and inconsistent. It includes factors like Necessity (which isn't always our overriding consideration), Whim, Passion, Guilt, Obligation, Generosity, Habit, and probably a bunch of other factors that don't immediately come to mind. We make our choices, pull out our wallets, and make our purchases. When we do, the things I choose to buy can seem foolish to you, and the things you buy may not make any sense at all to me. Case in point: On a recent shopping spree, I went out and bought 4 quarts of motor oil, 1 oil filter, and 1 gallon of windshield washer fluid. Total cost: $12.57. I went out to my driveway and changed the oil, and while I was doing that, the kid up the block who mows our lawn showed up and began mowing. We finished at about exactly the same time. My wife came out and asked me why I go to all the trouble of changing the oil myself when I can pull into a Jiffy Lube and have it done in about ten minutes for about twenty bucks. "Because I can save eight bucks," I told her. "But it takes you a half hour to do it," she said. "Isn't your time worth anything?" "Eight bucks is eight bucks," I explain to her. It feels good to save eight bucks. The kid shows up at that point and I hand him $20 for the lawn work. It feels good to not have to mow the lawn. Money well spent. Now, it's hard to pull any logic from decisions like that. All I know is that it felt right to change the oil myself, and it felt right to pay twenty bucks to have the lawn mowed, even if the whole transaction put me about $8 in the hole. I ended up feeling good about my decisions and you can't put a price on that. Well, yes. I suppose you can. I just did, after all, didn't I. But my point is, any time you can spend money to help you feel a little better, that's a good thing. For me, it's motor oil. For my wife, it's eye cream. She's happier than a gold prospector stumbling onto the mother lode when she scores an eye cream bargain online. I don't understand it. I try not to judge it. I just try to accept it. And when she sees me outside, crawling under the car, scraping my knuckles, and swearing at a stubborn oil filter, well, I guess she just accepts that too. I suppose it's all part of that fascinating partnership: marriage. You get married, you start pooling your budgets, and you end up not only puzzled by your mate's spending habits, but you start questioning your own decisions as well. I still don't get the thing about the eye cream though. ~ Encore Bride ~ LETTERS Dear Susan, My boyfriend's son is getting married. He has been estranged from his wife for over 10 years-- long complicated situation. Now, his wife has agreed to behave during the wedding. What we would like to know is, where do we sit during the wedding, and what about pictures? He does not want to have his picture taken with her, their son and his son's new wife. He feels he should be in the picture with his son and me, and she should be in one with the son also. What do you say is the right thing to do? Would you be able to answer these questions? Thank you, -Evelyn Dear Evelyn, These situations can be awkward for everyone. The key is for all of the parent's to remember the day is about the bride and groom, not them, and to put any differences aside for a few hours. While that is sometimes easier said than done, it will make for better memories later. As far as seating is concerned, all parent's and his/her significant other, such as yourself should be in the front row. If that is not possible, sit the mother in the front(sorry, tradition says mother gets top billing), with you and the father directly behind. Ideally, all should be front and center. Pictures should be done however the bride and groom want them. It would appear there may be a lot of conflict between mother and father, so together in the same picture would not be the preference, that's fine. A picture with the mother, and son (and the new wife) and a separate one with his father is appropriate. Your inclusion would be dependent on your relationship to both the father and the groom. How long have you been dating, do you live together, are you engaged, etc would all be considerations. Do you get along with his son, etc. If you are in a non live-in relationship, or a relationship with an uncertain or undetermined future, you would be best served to either bow out, or have a picture with you included, and one without. Please remember this is a day for the bridal couple. You may have to swallow a few distasteful moments, but taking the high road is always best for future relations between all parties. Thank you so much for visiting Encore Bride. -Susan |
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