ARCHIVE: Winter 2007 Edition    Editor's Page   Winter 2007 Edition                     by Susan Polyot Welcome to the winter edition of encore bride magazine. In this issue we will explore the idea of a winter theme wedding, as well as other topics pertinent to encore brides. In each issue we attempt to address something of relevance to merging families, step parenting, and other real life issues facing encore brides after the ceremony.   In this issue we discuss step parenting for encore brides and their grooms  Also in this issue, more ideas for gown shopping, and of course, the groom's column, where we look at blending families of a whole different sort: your pets. Congratulations!  We hope you find this edition of encore bride helpful in planning your encore wedding To Theme or Not to Theme                     by Susan Polyot Winter is a perfect time for a theme wedding.  The holidays make a pre-decorated backdrop for an encore bride.      An encore bride is often looking for an elegant, but smaller setting for her wedding. Christmas, New Year, and Valentines Day make for an easy theme to incorporate such a setting.  Many hotels, resorts and bed and breakfast inns are beautifully decorated for the holidays.  It makes planning your encore wedding decorations no muss, no fuss.  It is also a great budget boost. The decorations already in place allow you to spend virtually nothing extra on room decorations.   The idea of a theme wedding is something first time brides may shy away from, wanting to pick a theme, or colors for her wedding that may not lend itself to a holiday motif. For encore brides who may want something less traditional, a winter theme may offer just the right ambiance. A holiday themed wedding can be a celebration of family and friends already gathered for the holidays.  Often, an encore bride may not feel she can ask people to incur the expense of travel if they have family and friends out of town. Encore brides typically have family and friends with job and family commitments different than the first time bride in her twenties. Family and friends often return home for the holidays, making it an ideal way to include people you would like to.   The dress If you are considering a holiday theme, this is a time of year when off the rack formal wear is in abundance.    There are many choices for a dress in a multitude of colors, from winter white to reds. Styles are also in abundance from shorter, informal wear to long evening style gowns.  There are many pant ensembles in styles and colors very fitting for an elegant encore bridal look. If you have children who will be participating in the event, there is also a wonderful selection of children's wear available at a fraction of the cost of bridal salon prices. Some are even in available in non holiday colors, a good time to look for children's wear even for an upcoming wedding later in the year. The flowers A simple bouquet of white roses with sprigs of holly makes a wonderful choice for a holiday or New Year wedding.  For do it yourselfers, it is also an easy bouquet to assemble. For a February, or Valentines Day wedding, a bouquet of a single red rose with white ribbon is understated and beautiful.  There are many flower choices available in red and white, a perfect color combination for a holiday wedding.   The table The holidays make it easy to have a beautifully decorated table at minimal expense.  If you are planning a sit down meal for your reception, ask the function manager to use gold plate chargers and plain white place settings. It adds instant color, with a festive feel.  Red, green and silver chargers are in abundance in discount stores if you want to add more of a holiday theme. Silver is a great choice for a new years wedding. The red chargers are especially fitting for a valentine's wedding. If you are planning a February wedding, often red chargers are available at deep discounts right after Christmas. A good time to purchase for your upcoming wedding.  They can be used for each guest, as accents at a buffet table, or for serving desserts. From right after Thanksgiving to New Years, Poinsettias make a beautiful centerpiece. They are available at many florists, but can also be purchased at your local grocer for a fraction of the cost.  Placed in a basket, or decorated pot, the grocery store poinsettias are just as beautiful a centerpiece as the more expensive florist poinsettias. Poinsettias can be a fussy plant, so ask about transporting to be sure they arrive at your reception in top shape. Holiday themes also offer many wedding favor choices. Encore brides looking for less traditional favors will find many ideas to compliment a theme wedding. There are many specialty chocolates available in both Christmas and Chanukah themes. Christmas ornaments make a great favor and are available in any price range.  Ornaments can be an extension of the holiday theme, or a theme of their own. For example, if you are getting married at the ocean, consider a beach themed ornament. Local historical societies or attractions often have locally themed ornaments available as fundraisers, and often discounts are available when buying in bulk. Again, even if you are not planning a winter theme wedding, local ornaments make a great, non traditional favor for encore weddings at any time of year. This is the time to inquire about availability and discount pricing for a future wedding.   For February weddings, heart shaped candy is in abundance and can be packaged at home for beautiful favors, or table accompaniment. The venue There is an abundance of venues to choose from during the holidays. Inns, bed and breakfasts are often a good choice. Many are beautifully decorated, and have function rooms large enough to accommodate a small to mid size encore wedding. Many resorts are open through the holidays, and some offer discount pricing through the winter, ideal for the February bride. For the encore bride looking toward a smaller, more intimate setting, consider having a home wedding. Your home is likely decorated for the holidays, and a buffet is an easy set up for your guests. This is a time of year when party platters and food selections are widely available. Consider a caterer for a small gathering in your home. The price is usually consistent with that of a fine restaurant. If you are having a home wedding, consider hiring a professional cleaning service for both before and after the event. It allows you to relax, and enjoy your event. Many encore brides who plan home weddings find the task of getting the house ready, and the cleanup the most stressful part of the planning.   Often encore brides do not opt for a traditional reception. A dessert and champagne reception is perfect for the holidays, and can be accommodated either in or out of the home.  If you want a home reception, but don't have the space, holidays are a perfect time for an open house dessert reception. It allows people to come and go throughout specified times, and allows you to have a private exchange of vows ceremony separate from the reception, often a choice of encore brides. The holidays can be a perfect time of year for an encore wedding. The decorations are in abundance, the theme is established, and family and friends are gathered. It can also be ideal for the encore bride on a budget, since many of the decorating is in place, and the dress selection is varied and widely available. If you're an encore bride looking for a non- traditional setting, this may be just what you are looking for. Step Parenting                 by Susan Polyot The question for many encore brides isn't "Will we or won't we have children?", but "What do we do with the ones we have?" Encore couples ask, "How will having another adult in the home affect our children?" and "How will children affect our marriage?"   Being a stepparent or having a stepparent enter your children's lives is a challenge.  How involved the new stepparent will be depends on several factors, including the age of the children, the relationship with your co- parent, and how involved the stepparent wants to be. Any time one is entering a relationship where children are involved, it is assumed the children are a priority. It is unrealistic to think otherwise. If you have visions of long, uninterrupted romantic days and nights, step parenting may not be for you.  If, on the other hand, you have visions of stolen minutes, sometimes hours, occasionally days, and rarely weeks of uninterrupted time with your loved one, you are on the right track. Children may welcome a stepparent or resist the idea. Some of this depends on how this person was brought into their life. If children view the person as the reason mom and dad are no longer together, they may try to sabotage the relationship. If they view the new relationship as the reason to lose hope of reconciliation between mom and dad, they also may resist. On the other hand if a stepparent is introduced gradually over time to the children, they may have an easier time of getting used to the concept of a stepparent. It is a good idea to talk to your children and give them a chance to express how they feel. One thing to keep in mind with children (as with grownups!) is they don't always say what thy really mean. You may have to listen, observe behavior, and watch for inconsistencies. Often, children are afraid of having a new parent in the home, not sure of how it will affect them. Offer reassurance that it won't make them any less important, and then demonstrate that. Discipline Stepparents can take an active or inactive role in discipline, again often depending on the age of the children. The younger the child, the more immediate discipline needs to be in order for it to be meaningful and appropriate to the infraction. In cases of young children, waiting for the mom or dad to address a situation may not be an option. In these situations, a stepparent may need free access to discipline in ways consistent with those of the parent, whenever needed. Younger children need immediate discipline so they can connect the discipline to the event. Their cognitive thinking and memory skills are such that delayed discipline does not have as profound a meaning. Stepparents may also need to be granted at least limited decision making power in the absence of the parent. Big decisions should be discussed with all concerned including the stepparent (s) and both parents.   For older children—those preteen and older— discipline can often be postponed until such time as a discussion involving all parties takes place. For older children, discipline is often related to a household rule violation and can wait until a later time. If you have sole responsibility for your children, you have a different step parenting relationship than in cases where there is a shared parental responsibility with a co-parent. Stepparents are not replacement parents, but they can act as an extension and support of the parent in the home. And they can certainly play a role in helping to establish family rules and expectations. Some rules for stepparents: •       Never ever speak badly in front of the child    about the child's other parent (no matter what    you may think.) •       Always respect the relationship with both parents    and extended family. •       Don't expect to be called mom or dad. •       Treat all the children equally—yours, mine and    ours. No child is more or less important than    another. •       Respect the child's need for alone time with    his/her parent, and don't always insist on being    included in day-to-day activities. •       Respect a child's need for his or her own space.    This is especially important in stepfamilies. •       Always keep conflicts about children a private    discussion; don't fight about the kids in front of    the kids. •       Make opportunities for family activities that are    fun! If you are becoming a stepparent, or marrying someone who is, having a discussion about family expectations, parenting beliefs and discipline methods prior to the marriage is critical.  Too often, this is something encore couples assume will fall into place. Not the case! Knowing where you both stand will avoid conflicts down the road. Tracking Down the Perfect Gown                  by Susan Polyot Perhaps the number one issue facing encore brides in planning is the lack of suitable dresses available for an encore wedding.   Traditional bridal salons stock primarily first time bridal looks.  If a suitable dress is not jumping out at you as you peruse catalogs and salons, consider having one made.  This is a great way to capture the look you envision as an encore bride, and often a cost effective solution to buying a near miss and having it altered and remade to work for you.  There are a beautiful array of fabrics available, and a plethora of patterns to choose from.  Find a reputable seamstress in your area and ask for ideas. The advantages are numerous to having a dress made for you.  First, it fits.  You can choose a style appropriate for an encore bride, and one that will be flattering for your body shape and size, whether you are a size 6 or a plus size bride.   Second, you can have the color you want.  Many encore brides opt for something less traditional than white or ivory.  With a custom made dress, you can choose the color that best suits you, your venue and the time of year.  Fabric choices include not just color selection, but material as well. Lace can be a beautiful accent, or main fabric in many colors beyond white and ivory. You are limited only by your imagination and your seamstress if you choose a custom made gown! The Search Other good options include checking the special occasion section at your local dress or department store.  Don't eliminate the mother of the bride section at bridal salons. While many dresses are just what they sound like, mother of the bride, many options and colors exist that are quite appropriate for an encore bride.  If you are choosing to have a dress made, there are good style ideas available in this section, which with a little modification would be a good bridal dress. Check online sites such as talbots.com, nordstroms.com and neimanmarcus.com for an assortment of special occasion as well as bridal dresses.  For budget conscious brides, chadwicks.com has a new bridal selection in many styles and sizes suitable for encore brides.   Be aware that many on line bridal sites have strict no return policies once an order has been placed, so be sure of size and color prior to placing an order. Being an encore bride no longer means showing up at city hall in a suit for the exchange of I dos.  Look around, experiment and choose a dress that is a reflection of you and of the event.   Groom's Column Pets: The Basics                             by Larry Tyler I knew a young man who was sitting in the living room with his fiancé, busy planning their wedding, while his wolfhound was in the kitchen, eating her shiatsu.  I'm not saying it was that incident alone that doomed their marriage, but I believe it was—as they say—a significant contributing factor. Since pets can raise plenty of troubling conflicts in a new marriage, conflicts around intimacy, discipline, boundaries, priorities, and money, it makes a lot of sense to take a preventative look at the wedge that a pet (or pets) can drive in an otherwise sound marital relationship. I suppose some of the conflicts can be resolved by things like compromise, planning, and open discussion.   But not everything can be cleared up that easily, especially if we've deceived ourselves into believing we're more easygoing and accepting than we really are.   Pet Peeves When the day comes that you finally utter the first gentle criticism of your wife's pet, the next words you're sure to hear are, "But I thought you loved Fluffy!"  The only direction the conversation can take after that is downward.  While the pet sits in the corner, contentedly eaves-dropping, you find yourself locked in an argument that is veering wildly into all kinds of ugly tangents.  Don't try to tell me pets don't have some mystical power that wills that kind of scene. We all tend to adopt a "love me–love my pet" attitude regarding our animals.  To our mind, it's impossible for anyone not to fall in love with a creature that so clearly worships and admires us.  (Who couldn't love an animal so discerning and intelligent?)  The problem is we can be blinded by Rover's unconditional love for us and can start to miss the little things, the disgusting habits, unsettling health problems, and periodic, unexpected lunging attacks that always slip past our attention but are easily identified by others.  That means, when we hear our fiancé say things like, "Make your dog stop chewing on my mother's arm," we need to set aside our bond with man's best friend and decide, once and for all, whether our significant other is going to be a human or a canine.  At times like that, you can't mediate between your wife's family and your dog.  You have to take sides. Diplomacy So, it comes down to negotiation and renegotiation.   Does the pet come along on all your outings and vacations, or does it stay in doggie lock-down?  If that's a tough decision for the two of you to make (by the two of you, I mean you and your fiancé, not you and your dog) maybe you could try a brief test run of kenneling the pet.  Try a weekend away without the third party.   Start adding the cost of the kennel—and a check-in call or two to the kennel—to your vacation expenses.   Does the cat stay in the cellar when Aunt Flossy with her cat allergies comes to visit?  Are the animals allowed on the new couch? Whatever your opinions were at the outset of the relationship regarding your pets, you need to realize those opinions are subject to change as you settle into a new living routine.  New couches tend to create new rules. And there's no reason your pets shouldn't be taught that they may have some adjustments to make as well: Love me—love my fiancé, for example.   They can start working on that right away. Return to Homepage